Tag: domestic violence

Why Doesn’t She Leave Him?

Posted on by Melissa Pearce

The Dangers of Domestic Violence

“Why doesn’t she leave him?” This was the topic of a Ted Talk that I watched recently. In that talk, Laura Morgan Steiner shared her story of being abused by her first husband. The abuse not only included physical beatings but also having loaded guns held to her head as he threatened to end her life. She stated that she did not initially view herself as a “victim of domestic violence” but as someone who deeply loved a man struggling to overcome his demons from an abusive past. She thought she could help him. She finally left him after a “sadistic beating” one night and then she told everyone who would listen. In the final minutes of her talk, she lists some tips on how to help your family or friends leave.

The first thing to know is that it is incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser. The final step in the domestic violence pattern is “Kill her.” Laura Morgan Steiner stated that over seventy percent (70%) of domestic violence murders happen after the woman ended the relationship. Other outcomes include long-term stalking, denial of financial resources, and manipulation of the family court system to force the children to spend unsupervised parenting time with the man who regularly beats their mother. There are steps you can take to help your family member and friend leave an abusive relationship even in the face of danger or the prospect of unsupervised parenting time for their children.

How Can You Help the Abused?

The first step is to support her confidence in her ability to leave and to leave safely. I have recently spoken to several individuals trying to break free and the reason that they say that they lack confidence to leave is access to financial resources. Abuse is not physical but includes control over finances. If your friend has been restricted from working, understand that this was a way to control her financial freedom. In order to know that she can leave, she must be confident that she can financially support herself and her children without living on the street as he will have repeatedly told her that she could not survive without him. This fear of being worse off without him than with him is what may be preventing her from having the confidence that she can leave.

The second step is to develop a clear and safe plan for her to leave. This might not happen on your timeframe. She may need to save money, often a dollar here and five dollars there to build up enough funds to leave and not worry about the money. She will need to know how to leave safely, where she can go, what she needs to do to keep him away, and what can she do. All this planning will be scary for her. Offer to help research what is available in her area. Help her set up a secret bank account where she can deposit funds. Research what she needs to do to file a personal protection order. She may have spent years to be told what to do, what to wear, and where she can go. Breaking free and making her own decisions will frighten her. Remember, as she plans, she will need her confidence buoyed up by your loving support and not judgmental statements of contempt for her circumstances or choices.

The third step is developing a commitment to leave. Leaving is frightening. Your friend will remember everything that he said he would do if she left him or how inept she is and cannot make it on her own. She will need you to bolster her commitment to leave. Ask your friend why she wants to leave and when she wavers remind her gently of her words that she said for wanting a better life. She may have told you that if he hits her one more time. Do you know if those words were her commitment to leave or words that she said to pacify you? Unless she has begun planning to leave the relationship, you cannot be certain of her level of commitment to leave. It is not uncommon for the level of commitment to waver as she struggles with the love that she feels for him and her need for safety. This is not a black or white situation for her, your friend is seeing the relationship in shades of grey that are affected by his words and actions as well. The best thing you can do for her is to not bully her into leaving or offer ultimatums to her.

The final step in deciding to leave is the exercise of courage. This will take time for her to muster and exercise. She may test her own courage in small steps, such as developing a plan, confronting her abuser, seeking out professional help, saying something to a friend about what is happening, or saving money in secret. If each one of these steps works out for her without repercussions, then she will move forward toward leaving him. But if she fails in any exercise of courage, it could reinforce what he tells her about how weak or stupid she is. If your friend comes to you and tells you of the abuse that she has been enduring, do not judge or tell her what to do. Ask what you can do to help her. Reaffirm her worth as a person. Offer to be a safe shelter for her, if you can or research where she can go after she leaves. With nearly 20 people every minute experiencing domestic violence by an intimate partner. This equates to about 10 million women and men each year. It is bound to affect someone that you know and love. She may not have the courage to tell anyone, but she needs to know no matter what you are there for her. Since October is domestic violence awareness month, take one action to learn more about domestic violence and what you can do to help a friend in an abusive relationship.

Teen Dating Violence: Signs to Look For in Your Teen

Posted on by Melissa Pearce

As a parent and a grandparent, I am concerned about the increasing news about teen dating violence. This was not a topic that was talked about when I was growing up or when my own children were dating. But it is a topic that a parent of a teen needs to be aware and understand what some of the warning signs may be. A search on the internet turned up a lot of articles about teen dating violence and some of those articles were drawing links between teen dating violence and the increase in school shootings. As a parent, we need to know what our children’s world is like as it is not the same world that we grew up in.

The first thing to understand about teen dating violence is what it is and how common is it. This is a growing problem in the United States and about one-third of all teens involved in a romantic violence will experience abuse of some kind. [1] As parents, we need to think beyond the first images of abuse. Abuse is more than just physical violence. It includes sexual abuse and emotional abuse, which is the hardest to detect.  In July 2011, a study conducted by Priscilla Offenhauer and Alice Buchalter on teen violence stated that emotional abuse is the most common form with 76% of teen reporting teen dating violence.[2]

Since emotional abuse is the most common form of teen dating violence, as parents, we need to understand what it is and how to recognize some warning signs. Emotional abuse is “form of controlling behavior that involves subjecting another person to behavior that causes a diminished ‘sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth.’”[3] Emotional abuse includes isolation, verbal abuse, and embarrassment. It is easy a parent to discount emotional abuse as a just part of growing up or the way people get along, but the psychological effects of emotional abuse can cause as much damage as physical abuse.

There are warning signs that a parent should be able to recognize if a teen is experiencing teen dating violence. The signs include withdrawing interest from ordinary activities, unexpected or unexplained mood swings, demonstrated fear of upsetting their partner, reluctance to do any activity without their partner in fear of retribution, or self-harming or suicidal behaviors. If you recognize some of these signs or other behavior changes in your teen, then set aside to talk with them. Understand that if your teen has a strained relationship with you as a parent, your teen may not be willing to speak about the difficulties in the dating relationship. If this is the case, ask a family member or friend to speak with your teen. As a parent, you should convey to your teen that you are concerned for their safety, both physically and emotionally.

If your teen has been involved in a relationship with teen dating violence and you are not sure where to turn or how to help your teen, go to www.teendvmonth.org/resources/. If you need legal assistance, call us today for a compassionate team to help both you and your teen take control back.

[1] “Most Teens Suffer Emotional Abuse in Their Relationships”, https://www.teendvmonth.org/teens-suffer-emotional-abuse-relationships/ accessed 2/21/2019 written May 30, 2018

[2] Priscilla Offenhauer, Alice Buchalter; Teen Dating Violence: A Literature Review and Annotated Bibliography  https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/grants/235368.pdf accessed 2/21/2019

[3] Most Teens Suffer

Domestic Violence in Teens

Posted on by Melissa Pearce

February is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness month. According to the Domestic Violence Awareness Project, approximately 1.5 million teens experience physical abuse from a dating partner. As parents, educating our teenagers about what is domestic violence is a conversation that needs to happen just as much as we need to talk about birth control. As parents, both conversations are uncomfortable, but they are necessary conversations to protect our children.

In order to educate your teenager about domestic violence, you need to understand what it is. As a young child, I lived in a home where domestic violence was a frequent occurrence. However, I was taught that it was only abuse if someone was being physically hit or attack. But that is not the only type of domestic violence, and it took a long time for me to understand what the forms are. It was only after I reported my ex-husband after he hit me for the first time that I realized domestic violence is more than physical violence. I learned that I do not have to be hit for a spouse or someone I am dating to be abusive.

Domestic violence or abuse is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior. It is when one person in a relationship is exerting power and control over the other person. Domestic violence takes many forms: physical, emotional, economic, stalking and harassment, and sexual.

Emotional abuse is a behavior that one partner uses to control the other or to damage their emotional well-being. It can be verbal or non-verbal. Some forms of emotional abuse include name-calling, yelling in your face, telling you what to do or where you can go, and placing little value on what you have to say. Emotional abuse can also include putting you down in front of other people or saying negative things about your friends and family. Often the abuser will blame the abused partner for their actions. When phone calls, texts or computer use is monitored or control, this is another form of emotional abuse.

If you do not know how to start the conversation with your teen about domestic violence, start with emotional abuse. Discuss what it is and how valuable your teen is. Let them know that no one, even someone they care about and are dating, should be using any form of emotional abuse against them. Be willing to have an open and honest discussion with your teen. This may include listening to your teen identify some of these behaviors in you or your spouse or significant other. Reiterate that the goal of these behaviors is to control another person or damage their self-esteem. Encourage your teen to come to you, if they are questioning this type of behavior in someone that she or he is dating. Discuss with your teen what steps can be taken to address this behavior before it escalates. This may include breaking up with the person if the behavior continues.

If steps you have taken as a family to end a relationship have not worked, call Melissa Pearce & Associates today at (248) 329-0344 to speak with our team on what you can do next to protect your teenager.